Doc J. and I are terminating my therapy sessions of the last 4 years. It's a good thing, actually, as it signifies me getting through sometimes very dark patches of a turbulent five years. I have almost reached the summit of getting it together enough to move on to the next phases of my life. Instead of looking back at the past, I can now move on to my future and take on challenges with confidence and self assurance that, yes, I can do this! No, it won't be a cake walk as there are some pretty heavy circumstances looming on the horizon, but I must gather all my strength and be able to tackle them. It's amazing how much strength people have when they really have to reach deep inside for it. I'm amazed at the adversities I have had in my life as child and as an adult where I had to draw every ounce of energy I had to self persevere and come out on top. Sometimes stronger, sometimes wiser, but always better. The past 5 years have been extremely taxing for me. My breakup with M was like this......
Seriously. Even though we never were married, it was like a divorce and thus I went through all the stages of grief that goes with it. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. Now it wasn't all that simple. Throw some serious health issues, a few surgeries, four moves withing this span of time, a few rebound relationships for good measure, a few shocking/sad deaths, and trying to pursue my design career in the mix and shake well. Anger was the worse. Red, hot, blinding, furious, unforgiving, seething, blood thirsty anger. It came out of the blackest hole of my being. I never felt anything like it. Depression had many sources, but it was a deep, dark, quagmire of despair into hell. All the agony, the self abuse, the total loss of my self esteem was shrouded in the blackest mires of depression. I felt emotionally dead. But now, after a long and hard struggle, I guess I am now in the acceptance stage. It was not easy to get here, I kid you not. I am still working on forgiveness and moving on. The breakup was amicable, and we do remain close friends. Nobody did anything wrong to the other ( we simply grew apart), but a huge part of what I knew as my very sweet, loving, comfortable, luxurious, and safe life was coming to an end. All that I knew, all that I did, my very way of life was no longer going to exist. It was a very frightening prospect. I had to go out into the world....alone. Alone. Single. As one.
I loved Emerson's Self Reliant essay when I was younger. I re -read it. Hoping it would inspire me to take on the world alone !! On Guard! Didn't help. There were so many dragons to slay, and many roads diverged in the wood and many remain not taken, and those that were not the best roads to take at the time. I wasn't going to get through this mud pile easily. No. Character building to say the least!
........."Live no longer to the expectation of these deceived and deceiving people with whom we converse. Say to them, O father, O mother, O wife, O brother, O friend, I have lived with you after appearances hitherto. Henceforward I am the truth's. Be it known unto you that henceforward I obey no law less than the eternal law. I will have no covenants but proximities. I shall endeavour to nourish my parents, to support my family, to be the chaste husband of one wife, — but these relations I must fill after a new and unprecedented way. I appeal from your customs. I must be myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be the happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should. I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me, and the heart appoints. If you are noble, I will love you; if you are not, I will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions. If you are true, but not in the same truth with me, cleave to your companions; I will seek my own. I do this not selfishly, but humbly and truly. It is alike your interest, and mine, and all men's, however long we have dwelt in lies, to live in truth. Does this sound harsh to-day? You will soon love what is dictated by your nature as well as mine, and, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. — But so you may give these friends pain. Yes, but I cannot sell my liberty and my power, to save their sensibility. Besides, all persons have their moments of reason, when they look out into the region of absolute truth; then will they justify me, and do the same thing."
-R. W. Emerson
The ancient Egyptians worshipped the scarabaeus sacer, known simply as the dung beetle. That's right, the dung beetle ! It was to believed to be the sun god Khepri who rolled the sun across the sky, like the beetle rolled it's ball of dung. The scarab is a sacred emblem symbolizing resurrection, renewal, transformation and revival. Of course, it applied to their view of the after world, but in a way I had died in some way, spiritually. I have also looked death in the eye very closely a few times, too, so this is a symbolic sign of a rebirth for me. I have rolled my dung ball, and it was heavy.
Rebirth and Acceptance. Positive words. I have changed a lot in the last couple of years. I have become more self reliant, stronger in my convictions and more sure of who I am now than I have been in a long, long time. I have come to a couple of roads in the woods, but have become more confident about the ones I now choose to take. I have new roads to travel now, some good, some bad, but I am hoping to stay strong enough to endure all my challenges. I may falter sometimes, that's ok, I have a few nets to fall into if I need to, and that is a comfort..
Not a bad legacy for a humble insect!
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